Domestic Violence Effects

Domestic Violence Effects Everyone

What is violence - or abuse? It is about power, and this can be about controlling a partner by either physical or emotional abuse. It is rarely a one-time event. There are also many different forms of abuse, and physical attack is only one of them. Perhaps most of us think of a black eye or broken arm, but sex can be used as a way of dominating a partner. One can control the family finance, as well as, shouting and screaming.

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

• He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

• If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

• The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

• Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

• Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

• Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

• Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

• Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

• Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN

Do you feel under threat of violence? Have you been on the receiving end of a violent attack? Do you have to ‘account’ for time spent away from home? Does emotional or verbal abuse play a part in your relationship?

Psychological abuse can at times be even more damaging than physical abuse. It can be something which whittles away at your self-esteem until you may even begin to believe that you are ‘stupid’, ‘useless’ or that you ‘deserve it’.

Attempts at retaliating may bring further violence: tears of frustration and helplessness are ridiculed and mocked. If this is happening to you it may make it even more difficult to break away and do something about your situation. Loss of self-esteem, and being made to believe you are ‘worthless’ make it difficult to think about getting help. Does this sound familiar? You may also be on the receiving end of blackmail, for that is what it is, if you partner threatens to kill himself - or herself - if you leave. Or to harm the children.

Sometimes there is a warning that violence is imminent, and this may be triggered by alcohol or drug abuse. Other times an attack can come out of the blue.

For a man to be on the receiving end of abuse is often seen as a comic situation, and sadly this adds to the reluctance men have to come forward and speak about it. But it happens all the same. The humiliation which accompanies this abuse makes it just as hard for men to break free and seek help.

Parents and/or legal guardians must take responsibility for your children and realize that domestic violence effects them! This is a tragedy whenever adults are involved in such a horrific relationship. However when children are involved it is common to think they don’t understand.

Children who witness domestic violence are 5 times more likely to become batterers or victims in their adulthood.

Often children are sent to their bedrooms or outside. As a child they can hear the arguments, screams and objects breaking. It is more acceptable to believe that the children are safe and not affected. Children blame themselves in most cases. “If I had of only been quiet then maybe things would be different.”

Consider the emotional absence of the parent involved. Whenever you are dealing with your relationship in which you have no control over you are emotionally absent from your children. It takes every ounce of strength to deal with your abusive relationship therefore disregarding the needs of your children.

Most parents that are victims become more aggressive in dealing with their children. Trying to gain control of what you can which are often the children. Your control and power has been taken away by the abuser. Therefore it is common to over-compensate your power toward the children. Thus,

Child Abuse is more likely in homes where there is domestic violence.

Emotional abuse scars and there is a lot of baggage that one has to get rid of whenever you live in a home of domestic violence. Children blame themselves for the arguments and feel helpless because they have no power or control over the situation in the home, thus domestic violence effects children’s self-esteem.

Domestic Violence Effects Self-Image.

There are “accidental” deaths because children are trying to “rescue and protect” the parent from the violence.

As a child exposed to domestic violence, I can tell you that abuse and domestic violence effects children in the home. Children are affected in more ways than the obvious physical blows you may receive.

Domestic Violence effects learning. You cannot focus or concentrate because you’re wondering what it will be like when you get home? Therefore, many may not want to go to school. They may fall behind in their school work and simply don’t understand the work. Others don’t want to go home. Therefore they always want to spend time at friend’s house or get involved in many sports at school. You will do anything to keep from going home.

Domestic Violence effects feeling consistent or stable in their life. A child may be promised to move away and get out of the situation only to get down the road and realize that the parent has no where to go and no money. Therefore you turn around and go back home. For a child this creates distrust, frustration, instability and devastation. Many run away from home.

Domestic Violence Effects relationships. Neighborhood children learn your secret and often tease you. In addition they tell others at school which brings shame and embarrassment. Therefore, children may not want to go to school. Some kids aren’t allowed to play with you because you’re a “bad influence.”

Some kids may fall asleep in school because they have been up all night listening to the fighting.

There are emotional issues of guilt, anger and shame which children have to over-come. The baggage will follow you until it is dealt with.

Children learn the behavior that is demonstrated in the home. Whatever role model is in your home is how you communicate with others. Whether it is screaming, hitting, and cursing that is how you act. Some children will withdrawal and others become aggressive.

Parents have to take accountability and be responsible to keep your children in a safe environment! Children blame themselves for your arguments and feel helpless because they have no power or control over the situation in the home.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship please call the National Hotline 1-800-799-7233.